When you watch enough scary flicks, you end up picking up a thing or two to help you survive all the fictional horrors of the world. Let's all share in that priceless wisdom!
It's a hard and dangerous world out there, with all the monsters, slasher-killers, superhuman murderers, ghosts, and witches. Fortunately, there's a wide array of scary flicks as perfect as any documentary to help us fend off the dangers of reality. Let us learn from the lessons horror movies have selflessly taught us throughout the years, and do your part to share this knowledge with the world. Please, be careful out there, and help us avoid unnecessary fictional deaths.
1) Always travel in a group
If there’s anything that always makes people yell “stupid!” at the screen during a horror flick, it’s watching any character travel alone when they shouldn’t. So always keep a few friends around—you know staying in pairs also is a recipe for disaster—, especially if you’re not the protagonist!
2) When it comes to monsters, aim for the head and make sure they’re dead
It’s typical: a minor character dies or our hero finds themselves in trouble just for not double checking. Remember that to kill just about anything, aiming for the head is best—particularly zombies. So yeah, Zombieland got it right: rule #2, double tap! Once they’re down, you can be sure they’ll always stand back up, so don’t let them.
3) Avoid exploring abandoned places
Why in the world would you want to go into that dark basement or creepy church? Just don’t. There’s nothing for you out there except a terrifying death, or a supernatural entity waiting to be awakened by your foolish footsteps. Remember, if it’s abandoned, it’s haunted. You can always count on that.
4) Always keep an eye on what’s lurking behind
Turn around, turn around, and turn around! Don’t be that idiot who dies just because they were standing with their mouth wide open, drooling at the horizon. A pair of eyes in the back of your head is an absolute must if you’re to survive in this world!
5) Keep an open mind
You must know better than to outright dismiss reports of unlikely things, supernatural or not. Did you hear about a serial killer on the loose? Just run—don’t even bother with a knife. Did you hear about a monster eating everyone? Just run, don’t bother with that shotgun. Did you hear about a ghost haunting your children?… Well, in this case maybe it’s better if you actually find the source of the curse—you can’t outrun a ghost, after all. But whatever you do, don’t just play the rational or skeptic-wanna-be-genius card, because that’s how you get people killed. Also, please believe children: amazingly, they are always right!
6) Don’t steal
Taking things that don’t belong to you is bad for multiple reasons. If morality doesn’t convince you, how about avoiding a gruesome death? Yep, whenever you steal something, you risk unleashing a terrible curse upon you and humanity—just ask Indiana Jones and the whole crew of the Black Pearl. So, please, don’t do it. We don’t want to be taken down with you.
7) Use windows!
For the love of all that’s good, don’t run upstairs if you’re being chased in your home. Why would you ever want to trap yourself? Don’t even bother running towards the front door: just jump out of the closest window and get the hell out of there! So many fictional deaths would be avoided just by this one advice alone…
8) Avoid remote locations
You know something will always go wrong if you travel to your friend’s/boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s/parents’ house in the middle of the woods—or worse, in the middle of a swamp. You’re just inviting every kind of horror-movie villain to go after you, be it monsters, evil spirits, serial killers, etc. Unless you’re in a zombie apocalypse. Then nowhere it’s safe, but at least zombies will take longer to reach you.
9) Don’t stay anywhere that lacks cellphone signal
Well, if you must travel far away, then at least have the good sense of always visiting places with a cellphone signal. And keep your charger handy—we all know a dead battery or an empty signal bar are always preludes for a bad situation.
10) Curiosity kills cats and humans alike
That’s right, curiosity is one of the greatest serial killers of all, but it’s easy to avoid being its victim! For example, if there’s a rumor running around that watching a certain video will kill you, don’t be a (stupid) hero: just avoid looking at it. Likewise, if you hear a strange noise coming from a suspicious location, don’t try to find out what it was. Just run. This lesson goes hand in hand with lesson #3: avoid exploring abandoned places!
11) Never, ever be a bully
You know, being a bully is one of the lamest possible roles in any setting. It only makes you look cool in the eyes of immature brats, and you can permanently harm someone beyond repair. Just don’t do it, but if that’s not enough for you, then consider this: bullies always awaken the beast in horror flicks. Just leave that classmate, pet, animal, or what have you, alone!
12) Never build your house on top of an ancient burial ground
This should go without saying, but building on top of a burial ground is a bad idea. Especially if the occupants belonged to some kind of ancient and mystical civilization. By the same token, don’t stay anywhere that was built on top of a cemetery, regardless of who built the place. Come to think of it, it’s better if you avoid burial grounds altogether!
13) Leave tombs alone!
I already mentioned you should not steal, but I should add that visiting a tomb, even if you don’t take anything, is simply a bad idea. Especially when you need to solve some kind of ancient puzzle to do so. And definitely stay away from Egyptian tombs!
14) Always run if there’s no music playing!
This one is horror flicks 101. Whenever there’s utter silence during any given moment, you know a bad thing’s gonna happen. Something will jump at you, or fall on you, or otherwise make a very loud noise that’ll scare everyone around you, probably killing you in the process. So, unless there’s some light dialogue going on in your life, if you don’t hear any music, run!
15) Never trust anyone on the road
You must know that neither hitchhikers nor “friendly” people are your friends, particularly if you’re traveling alone in a remote road (which, if you read advice #1, you know you shouldn’t be doing anyway.) That includes the guy or couple who “just want to help you out” if you got a flat, for example.
16) Never trust anyone in small rural towns
Small rural towns are the worst. Remember they’re full of cannibals, cults, and killer children. Also, ghosts. Rural towns are the perfect hideaway for lurking murderers and strange individuals, so you can never, ever trust townsfolk. The friendlier the town seems, the worse it actually is. They lure you in and then… well, just be careful.
17) Never trust anyone ever!
You know, it doesn’t much matter whether it’s townsfolk, a hitchhiker, or your best friend. Horror flicks have shown us time and time again that there’s no one you can trust, sometimes not even yourself. Just run away from everybody!
18) Beware of mirrors
Mirrors are great for revealing supernatural beings (we know vampires don’t show up in them, for example), but they can also be awfully dangerous. Very often, mirrors work as pathways to different dimensions, bringing forth all kinds of monstrosities into our reality. Whenever you’re in front of a mirror, be very careful not to say the wrong things. In particular, never repeat the same name three times; you know you’ll just summon a ghost if you do!
19) Beware of black cats
All cats are malevolent beings; there’s no way around it. But black cats… those are embodied demons! There’s a good reason why they are bad luck and why witches always choose them as pets: their sheer evil and otherworldly demeanor are the perfect ingredient for black magic. And have you seen their eyes in the dark? Just run away from them!
20) Beware of everything!
For that matter, maybe you should just be afraid of everything. Many movies show us pretty much anything can kill us, anything can be possessed, anything can be the vehicle for the wretchedness of dark powers. Nothing is ultimately what it seems: every object in the world, living or not, always has a hidden face you should fear. Thus, the final lesson we learn from watching enough scary flicks is that you should flee from everything! Yep, whenever you see anything at all, just run!
Now, you know there's going to be someone out there who actually takes some (if not all) of what's written on this list seriously. So, just in case it needs saying, this is a comedic article. Don’t believe for a second that you should actually listen to your kid. That was also a joke, by the way.
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